Deer in Headlights
by handpora
Summary: Susan and her husband need an auto body shop in a hurry after a fender bender with a # @&%*in' deer who had better have some # @&%*ing liability insurance. Lucky for them — and that # @&%* deer — Yelp is ready and waiting with the best local mechanics.
1. Chapter 1

"We need a great body shop, my wife just hit a deer," Craig pleaded to the world, desperately. "You just came out of nowhere," Susan scolded the deer. The deer then started screeching a deafening shriek while holding its head out the window. Susan urged him to calm down and in turn mentioned the deer's mother which got him really worked up. The deer started swearing at the couple and calling Susan a bitch. Craig was ready to fight the deer until a nice man offered a solution. Drey's Auto Body was rated 5 stars by Yelp. This made Susan so happy that she lost all anger toward the deer and offered to do it together, the deer flipped her off and Craig had enough of this, he was ready to throw down.

Craig tore off his shirt so the deer knew shit was going down. The deer had no shirt to tear off so he couldn't replicate the effect, but Craig knew he was in for a serious fight. The deer charged at him, antlers to his chest, but Craig was a trained athlete so he jumped onto the deer's back and started riding it with his hands on the antlers. Susan yelled at them to stop, but there was no stopping this beast that had been awakened inside of Craig. The deer tried to buck him off, but he held on for his life. Craig couldn't hold on forever so he got himself into an awkward, but prime position and kicked the deer straight in the balls.

The deer fell down as an employee of Drey's Auto Body stared at the deer's fallen body. Blood started pouring out of its body. Susan sighed and shook her head, but Craig felt like he did what he had to do. "So, about the car parts," Craig asked the employee. "Um, hi, I'm Desmond," the employee told him, "How can I help you?" While this conversation was going on, an ambulance came and picked up the deer.

"I can't do this," Susan screamed at Craig, "You're always getting into fights, sometimes I just want a husband who can act civilized in public for once." Susan stormed off. "Wait," Craig tried to persuade her to stay, but she never looked back. "Sorry man," Desmond tried to console him, but all he got back was a fuck you from Craig. Craig look at the ground and thought a bit about his situation. "I don't have any friends to drive me home, I'm such a failure," Craig said quietly as he teared up." "I can be your friend," Desmond looked him in the eyes and smiled at him. "Thank you so much," Craig was full on crying as Desmond hugged him to make him feel better. Desmond drove Craig home that day.


	2. Chapter 2

It was 4:00 in the afternoon, Craig didn't go to work that day, he didn't have a car to drive him there so he called in sick. He was also afraid to ask Desmond to do it since they barely knew each other. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Craig went to answer it and sure enough, it was Susan. "You came back," he almost sounded excited. "No," Susan ruined it for him, "I'm here for my stuff, I'm fucking done with you. This is the last time I'm letting this shit happen to me. You have ruined my whole fucking life. I didn't go to college for you, I could have had such a better life without you," she screamed at him as she put her stuff in a cardboard box. "I'm filing for divorce and I will never have to deal with you again in my whole fucking life," she yelled as she slammed the door with the box full of her stuff in hand.

Craig had no idea how to live without Susan, he never had to for so many years. After almost a week, he had run out of food and his boss fired him for not showing up to work any more. He had to pay rent, but he was broke. It seemed like life couldn't get worse until he got a phone call announcing that he was being sued for assault by the deer. He started crying again.

There was only one way out of this mess, he had to call Desmond. "Desmond," he pleaded, "You have to help me. I have nowhere to go and I'm broke and help me." He was still sobbing. "Look, I'll drive you to my place, you can stay with me for as long as you need, don't worry." This was Craig's only way to get rid of all of this, Desmond was his saving grace.


	3. Chapter 3

Desmond had to go to work at 9, but Craig didn't want to be left alone at home, so Desmond took him to Drey's Auto Body to chill. Desmond's boss was Drey himself and Drey was pretty cool. He had a PhD, yet he smoked weed and had an unhealthy obsession with Total Drama Island, but only the first three seasons. Naturally Craig spent all of his time in the back with Drey smoking weed and watching old episodes of Total Drama Island, since Drey was shocked that Craig hadn't seen it yet.

A few episode in and Craig heard an all too familiar voice at the counter being helped by Desmond, it was Susan. Craig wanted to run away, but at the same time it was interesting to hear how she really felt about him. She complained about Craig the whole time and kept asking question to Desmond about how he felt about my actions on the night that she crashed, but Desmond tried to make it sound like I wasn't that bad. She didn't like that, so she tried to make it seem like Craig was actually Satan.

Eventually Susan stopped coming in, but Craig didn't. Craig practically lived there, he treated it like it was his own house anyway. Drey didn't mind either, in fact Drey actually liked Craig's company. Drey used to be so lonely since Desmond never hung out with him, but now Drey actually had a friend and Craig had two.


	4. Chapter 4

Craig was identified as a missing person after he never paid his rent or went to court and his picture was broadcast all over the news. The deer said he would offer a cash reward to anybody who could find and catch him. Craig and Drey never watched the news, but Desmond did and Desmond was running out of money since he had to house two people now. Honestly, Craig was becoming somewhat of a liability to Desmond anyway, and Craig only ever talked to Drey, it was like Desmond didn't even matter to him any more. Desmond put roofies in Craig's tea that morning and drove him to the police station to collect his reward.

Craig woke up in jail and didn't know what to do or what happened. He looked around and the feeling set in of him being fucked. He got out of bed and looked at the top bunk where his cell-mate was sleeping. His cell-mate looked like he was 7 feet tall and he was probably the blackest person that Craig had ever seen in his entire life. He had 3 tear-drops on his face indicating 3 people dead at his hands. Craig quickly got into bed and started crying.

Craig really didn't want to eat the prison food, but he had no choice, he didn't want to starve to death either. Craig didn't talk to his cell-mate for a few days, but eventually his cell-mate asked him what was wrong. "I don't want to talk about it," Craig told him. "Oh, well, if you ever do want to talk about your problems, I will always be here for you," his cell-mate told him. Craig smiled for the first time in his new prison life. "The name's Marcus, what's yours?" "I'm Craig." "Nice to meet you Craig," Marcus smiled at him. Craig was wondering why he wasn't dead yet.


	5. Chapter 5

A week went by, but it felt like a month. Craig and Marcus actually became great friends over that time. Craig let out all his feelings to Marcus and Marcus helped him deal with his problems. Craig asked why Marcus was in jail, since he seemed like such a nice guy. "My wife cheated on me with two guys, and I walked in on a threesome. I couldn't control myself and I killed them all. I turned myself in, but I still feel awful about it to this day. I mean, I loved that woman, but how could she do that to me?" This was the first time Craig wasn't the only one crying, Marcus was in hysterics.

Craig was woken up by Marcus whispering in his ear to wake up. It was dark and they were supposed to be asleep, but Marcus was up. He made a gesture with his hands that signalled that Craig should be quiet. Marcus pointed to his Nirvana posted and took it down quietly. There was a hole in the wall for them to escape from. They both crawled through the hole and into the vent system where there was a hole which led into another cell. There must have been 20 prisoners in that cell at once, but they were all climbing down a hole in the floor of that cell very quietly.

Craig and Marcus got out after a ton of crawling, but there was a loud siren and guards suddenly awoke from their posts with dogs chasing after prisoners. Some were shot at and went down, but Marcus got to the parking lot before they could catch him. Marcus picked the lock of the nearest police car and Craig got into the passenger seat. Marcus easily hot-wired the car and got out as fast as possible. Craig was amazed at how cool Marcus seemed in the moment.


	6. Chapter 6

"Where the hell do we go?" Craig was surprised that it was Marcus who just asked that question and not himself. "I don't know where to go," he panicked, "I assumed you did, you had the plan." "It wasn't my plan, " he explained, "I was just lucky enough to be a part of it at all." "We're going to Drey's Auto Body, Drey can hook us up," Craig was suddenly confident in himself with that proposal.

Craig and Marcus had many long talks about how Desmond turned Craig in. Craig didn't want to believe it, but Marcus knew that was how it went down. Drey lived in his store, so even though it was late at night, he was there. Marcus picked the lock, but they didn't want to be too intrusive, so they quietly knocked on his bedroom door. He answered, half asleep, and Craig explained the whole situation to him, including Desmond turning him in.

Drey looked pissed at this revelation. "I will make sure you're safe, fuck Desmond," Drey exclaimed. They left the cop car there in favour of Drey's truck and they drove off into the night. Drey made sure that they would never get found by the cops again, because they were going off the grid to the only safe place left; Canada.


	7. Chapter 7

Susan had taken up therapy after the divorce. Her therapist's name was Daniel and Daniel just let Susan talk all day without really saying anything. Susan was just angry at life and didn't want to have to deal with it any more. She moved back in with her dad and she had suicidal tendencies for the first time since she was 17. She saw the news reports of Craig being missing and honestly she felt bad for him.

"Is your daughter here?" A large deer was at the door, asking to talk to Susan. Susan's dad yelled at Susan to come to the door. "Shit," she said quietly to herself. "I heard that," he told her. "What do you want with me now?" "I'm going to sue you in place of your husband," the deer calmly told her. "No, fuck you, you aren't, he's not even my husband any more." "Legally he is, also need to pay for my car." "No, fuck you, fuck this, fuck everything." She slammed the door on him.

"Your friend seemed nice," Susan's dad told her. "No, fuck you he's not my friend and he's not nice and fuck you." Susan was on the verge of tears. "Now missy, you should calm down before you have another episode," her father tried. Susan stomped up to her room. She couldn't handle this any more, she took whatever pills she could find, she wanted to be sure that it would kill her, so she fell asleep. She never woke up.


	8. Chapter 8

A few days later, the deer was unsatisfied with the results of his last encounter with Susan, so he went to the door of her house again and knocked. Her dad answered the door and started freaking out on him. "What the fuck did you fucking say to my daughter?" "I'm sorry sir, but we seem to have a misunderstanding, you see, I threatened to take legal action because she has harmed me by first of all crashing into my-" he couldn't finish his sentence before he was knocked about by a swift uppercut by Susan's dad. He then repeatedly stomped on the deer's head until he ran out of breath. The deer was straight up curb-stomped and was declared dead.

Susan's dad was so angry with himself that he turned himself into the police, but he still felt like the deer got what it deserved. He woke up in a cell with a man named Paul. Paul was a big guy, but Susan's dad wasn't threatened for he had just killed a man. "What's your name?" Somebody had finally asked Susan's dad's name. His name isn't actually Susan's dad. His name was Jerry.

Not even 2 days later and Jerry hated prison more than anything, but sure enough, he was woke up at night by Paul. Paul had him go through a hole in the floor and throughout the prison until they got out through the grass on the other side. They ran as fast as they could, but Paul got shot in the leg. Jerry looked down at him, but Paul urged Jerry to keep running. Jerry look back as Paul got shot again, this time in the head. He gulped as he ran away.


	9. Chapter 9

Jerry ran home, but he knew he couldn't stay long. He packed his vitals into a suitcase, when someone knocked on his door. He peered out the hole, it was Daniel, Susan's therapist. He opened the door and told him to leave. "No this is very important Mr. Hawk," he insisted, "Your daughter hasn't been showing up-" "She's fucking dead, leave me alone," he slammed the door. Daniel knocked again. Jerry sighed and opened the door. "She's actually dead?" "Yeah..." "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," Daniel started crying. Jerry looked at him like he was an idiot for crying. "Look, do you need anything?" Daniel asked. "Well, there is one thing."

Jerry lived at the very top of Canada, Daniel giving him a ride there wasn't unthinkable, so he asked and he received. "Why did you come here so late at night?" Jerry asked him. "I came here during the day, but no one was home so I assumed you worked all day." Most of the trip was awkward and silent, but once they got to Canada, Daniel was tired. He decided to stay in the hotel with Jerry.

Jerry went to go grab breakfast that morning, when he saw a familiar face, it was Craig. "What the fuck Craig, why are you here?" Craig was stunned, he had never heard Susan's dad swear, also why the hell was he in Canada? "Is this guy giving you trouble?" Marcus asked as he towered over Jerry. "Hey, I've seen you before, you broke out with us." "Us?" Jerry looked over at Craig. So many thoughts raced through his mind. Why was Craig in prison?


	10. Chapter 10

So many thoughts raced through Craig's mind. Why was Susan's dad in prison? "What're ya in for?" Jerry suddenly tried to act cool, as if Craig was cool for being in prison. "Because your daughter ruined my life, you?" "Because you ruined my life." "Yeah? Really? How?" "You and that fucking deer made my daughter kill herself." Craig's eyes went wide. "Oh shit, Susan killed herself? I am so sorry sir," Marcus suddenly seemed so sympathetic toward Jerry. "Yeah," Jerry teared up.

Daniel walked into a circle of them all crying in the center of his hotel room. He asked Jerry how he felt, Jerry said he felt great for giving the deer what he deserved. Daniel asked what happened and Jerry explained the whole prison thing. "Oh my god," Daniel yelled as he ran out of the room. "Shit," Jerry sighed, "He was my ride." Drey walked out of the bathroom, "Don't worry, you're in my hands now," Drey smirked.

They all stayed in the same hotel room with each other the next day. They spent a lot of time just talking and crying with each other, but something really unexpected happened. Someone opened the door and walked into the hotel room, it was Daniel. "They found weed in my bag, so... I'm stuck here," he looked so defeated. He had to stay in the same hotel with a murderer.


	11. Chapter 11

"Look, I didn't know it was your bag, I'm sorry man," Drey tried to explain to Daniel that it was an accident. Daniel wasn't even mad, he was just sad at this point. "How the hell did you even get dope in Canada so quickly, man?" Marcus yelled at him. Daniel told everyone to control their anger, even though he was the one that should be angry in the situation at hand. He had learned to control his anger so well, that he barely even felt anger any more. It was amazing, really.

Drey cried for the first time, everyone else had cried so many times they were in that Hotel together, but Drey had broke his crying in Canada virginity just then. He latched onto Daniel and hugged him, which made Daniel cry too. "I spent the night in prison," Daniel cried, "It was the worst experience of my life and now I know why Jerry broke out." "We did too," Marcus told him. Daniel finally listened to the whole story and they all had a nice cry with each other.

As the group was crying in a nice group therapy session of Daniel's, the door broke down and there was Desmond. "You guys left me to die with no job, living off my Craig money, and I knew where you fuckers went, I heard about the jailbreak on the news, I know about your friend, Drey, I know about all your fucking connections," Desmond choked on his words a bit, but he kept going, "I will not let you do this to me," he pulled out a pistol and shot Craig in the neck and quickly pointed it at Drey.


	12. Chapter 12

A gunshot fired, right in Desmond's leg, Drey had a gun of his own. As he got shot, Marcus grabbed the guns from Desmond's hand. Desmond cried in pain and fear. Daniel and Jerry had already ran into the bathroom in fear. "Why didn't you just kill me, Drey, you never let me just fucking die," he yelled. "You don't want to die," Drey said softly to Desmond, "I have done so much for you, I bought your house dammit," his words escalated, "I would never throw what we had away," "But-" Desmond tried to protest, but was cut off by Drey, "But I will never forgive you for what you did to Craig." Drey shot Desmond right there, and Desmond was no more.

Drey walked out of the hotel room. "Where do you think you're going?" Marcus yelled at him. "Don't worry Mark," he assured him, "I'm coming right back." Marcus made as much of an effort as possible to conceal the bodies as Jerry and Daniel came out from the bathroom.

Drey made his way to the front desk of the hotel. "I'm here for Sean," he said quietly to the concierge. "Right this way sir," she gestured through a curtain, down a dank watery hall and into a locked room. "Password," an unknown raspy voice demanded. Drey whispered a phrase to the voice and the door opened for him. Drey walked up to a throne that a traditional king would sit in with a fish tank full of sharks behind it.

"Yo, Big Sean, what the fuck were you thinking telling Desmond where my room was?" Sean laughed at Drey's question. "That's guy is legit your closest friend, what the fuck else would I do with him?" Drey glared at him, "That man just killed my closest friend, Desmond is dead to me and not because I just killed him."


	13. Chapter 13

"Okay, so, your friend was a fuck up, why do I care?" Sean said, still not seeing a problem. "At least give my friends the money to live in Canada," Drey demanded. Sean raised an eyebrow, "So you got a lot of new friends, eh? Fine, but they need to make a delivery to Mexico to seal the deal." "No fucker you don't understand," Drey raised his voice, "Two of them are wanted my the American police and the other one isn't allowed across the border." "You have bad taste in friends," Sean laughed at him. "As if you have a great crowd that you hang out with, look we can't do the Mexico thing," Drey was getting impatient. "Deal or no deal?" Sean asked in a mocking voice. Drey's face turned red as he charged at the throne. Two large men held him back and escorted him out.

"Alright," Drey slammed the door while yelling at the three in mourning, "We're making a delivery to Mexico." All three gave him a "The fuck you talkin' 'bout?" look at the same time, almost in perfect unison. "Look, if any of you disagree, then you're going to have to talk to my boss," Drey said as if talking to his boss was certain death, which in this case, it probably was.

Daniel stood up, "I can reason with him," he said confidently. "What do you mean boss?" Jerry yelled, "You just came to Canada and you abandoned your job." Drey laughed, "There's much more at more here than you can understand, Jerry." Drey was patronizing the old man. Marcus stood up next to Daniel, "Let's all go have a talk with this 'boss' then."


	14. Chapter 14

Drey followed the same process to get to Sean as before, this time with his three guests wondering what the hell was happening. "Hey boss," Marcus smirked at him, "What's your deal?" Sean sighed as the four walked in. "At least make your selves useful and do fucking something for me," Sean demanded. "Don't get on his bad side," Drey whispered to the group, "He has a lot of power."

"Sir, we literally can't do what you're asking of us," Daniel insisted. "You guys are pussies," Sean laughed at them. "Fine," Sean was reverting to reason, "We're going local for this shit." A big map of Canada appeared on a screen on the shark tank. Sean took a laser pointer out of his pocket and pointed to somewhere in Quebec. "John R. Doering," Sean said in a booming voice, like the group would understand.

Drey nodded his head, "We're on it, thanks Big Sean." "Now get the fuck out," Sean yelled. The guards escorted them out again. Drey led them to his car and they started driving to Quebec. The others would ask Drey questions about what the hell just happened, but he just kept driving without saying a thing, he didn't give a fuck how much they knew, he thought it was better if they knew less if he was being honest.


	15. Chapter 15

Drey pulled up in a random person's driveway, he was ready to finish Sean's job. "Wait here," he told the guys, "It'll only take a second." Drey ran in the house and a gunshot was heard. The group quickly realized what Sean wanted them to do. Instead of Drey running back into the car though, a new man did, and he started driving them away.

"Wait, you think you can just come in here and jack our car? You John?" Marcus made sure to say it in a very intimidating fashion. "Yeah, I'm John, now shut the fuck up." Jerry and Daniel looked at each other in the back seat with looks of pain in their faces. Marcus started getting worked up, "Look fool, I ain't playin', what's your goddamn problem?"

John pulled out a gun and Marcus grabbed it with lightning fast reflexes. The car started swerving on the road as they fought for the gun. Someone grabbed it and it shot and the car came to a stop.


	16. Deer End

"You just hit a fucking deer, man," Marcus yelled at John. The deer stuck its head out of its car and started making indecipherable noises at John. "I was distracted because my fucking arm got shot, I need a hospital," John was writhing in pain. A man popped up out of nothing and held up his phone showing a Yelp app's screen showing a nearby hospital with a 5 star rating. Jerry jumped up from the back seat and grabbed the gun, making sure to shoot the man as many times as possible. As he fell down dead, time started to rewind itself, leaving the current time at the initial crash, with the first deer, yet the nice man with the Yelp app was gone. Craig, Susan, and the deer all looked at each other, but said nothing. It's almost as if they knew that they all would die if the events transpired the same way as the last. Craig started crying and he hugged the deer, "I'm so sorry for everything, dear."


End file.
